“Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn!”
The Miami Dolphins are the New York Knicks. The New York Knicks are the Miami Dolphins.
Fans of both franchises, please take a seat, grab a hard drink, and let’s take a journey filled with awkward, bizarre, depressing connections.
The Knicks thought they had a realistic shot at LeBron James. The best player in the world chose the Heat.
The Dolphins thought they had a legitimate chance at Peyton Manning. The best quarterback in the world chose the Broncos.
The Knicks wanted Phil Jackson. He chose retirement.
The Dolphins wanted Jim Harbaugh. He chose competence.
The Knicks settled for Carmelo Anthony (NBA’s FOURTH highest paid player), a fine scorer who doesn’t make teammates better.
The Dolphins settled for Mike Wallace (NFL’s FOURTH highest paid receiver), a blazer among the league leaders in drops and alligator arms.
The Knicks had Isaiah Thomas, who thought it would be wise to have Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and Eddy Curry — on the same team.
The Dolphins have Jeff Ireland, whose tenure is a sensation similar to driving up a mountain, stopping halfway and putting it in neutral.
The Knicks settled for Mike Woodson, who would make a great coach — with the Pacers’ roster.
The Dolphins settled for Joe Philbin, who would make a great coach — 15 years ago.
The Knicks, with a DEFENSIVE-MINDED coach, traded for Andrea Bargnani, arguably the worst defensive big man alive. He’s Ivan from Eddie…
The Dolphins, with the WORST OFFENSIVE LINE in football, passed up re-signing Jake Long, the league’s No. 4 offensive tackle this year via Pro Football Focus.
The Knicks have distractions like J.R. Smith and his dangling pipe.
— Juan Toribio (@Real_Koko) February 21, 2013
The Dolphins have distractions like Richie Incognito and his wandering golf club.
The Knicks fan is irrational and angry.
The Dolphins fan is irrational and angry.
The Knicks fan starts petitions to try and get rid of owner James Dolan.
The Dolphins fan flys banners to try and get rid of GM Jeff Ireland.
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) November 17, 2013
The Knicks fan reminds us of Frazier, Reed, and Ewing.
The Dolphins fan reminds us of Marino, Shula, and Csonka.
The Knicks have some nice dancers.
— Knicks City Dancers (@NYKCityDancers) November 3, 2013
The Dolphins have some nice cheerleaders.
— Dolphin Cheerleaders (@MDCheer) June 4, 2012
And here’s where things get creepy…
The Knicks’ winning percentage for the last five seasons is .470
The Dolphins’ winning percentage for the last five seasons is .475
The last time the Knicks won a championship? 1973.
The last time the Dolphins won a championship? 1973.
Both the Knicks and the Dolphins have won two conference championships since.
Both franchises have a way of teasing their respective fan base, injecting just enough hope for life, only to have that hope obliterated because sports purgatory is like a stage-five clinger.
Both franchises are like that guy who shows up to a pickup football game wearing $200 cleats, gloves, and perfectly matching colors. Then the pigskin starts flying and he’s running around with two left feet. They often look good initially, but there’s no substance behind it.
The Knicks are the Dolphins. The Dolphins are the Knicks.