It’s that magical time of year.
It’s the QESPYs, where we give a variety of small, useless trinkets to athletes and teams that have already received much larger shiny trinkets that actually mean something.
While LeBron James and the Miami Heat will undoubtedly be recognized on this national stage, we here in South Florida know there are some local performances that the “mainstream media” will never give their due. In response, we would like to hold our own award ceremonies to honor some of the forgotten heroes of South Florida sports.
Best Performance to be Forgotten Days Later - Danny Green (San Antonio Spurs)
When Game 5 of the NBA Finals rolled around, Danny Green had dethroned Ray Allen as the greatest three point shooter of all time. He had broken Allen’s record of 22 three-pointers in a Finals series, while hitting an ungodly 66% from downtown. Many in the media were declaring him the presumptive Finals MVP. Then something strange happened… the Heat started guarding him!
Green only hit two more threes COMBINED in Games 6 and 7 (including going a putrid 1-12 from the field in Game 7).
What’s extra funny about that play is that Danny Green was supposed to be guarding Ray. Oops.
Worst Performance Never To Be Forgotten – Buttfumble de Sanchez (New York Jets)
Yes, this game had nothing to do with a South Florida team, but these are the Jets we’re talking about! If ESPN can milk this thing since November, we can too!
Look on the bright side Mark, you could have ran into Aaron Hernandez.
Best Fan - Filomena Tobias
No explanation required.
Honorable Mention: This lady
That drunk maniac didn’t faze Bill Simmons, but this Heat fan may have been more effective if Simmons turned his head.
Worst Fans – The People Who Left Game 6
Shame on all of you. I know you guys wanted to get to LIV, but LIV does not close at 11:30 PM.
Best Fire Sale - Jeffrey Loria (
Florida Miami Marlins)
This is the 10th year in a row that Loria will take home this prestigious award. While this fire sale may not be as magnificent as trading Miguel Cabrera for an Almond Joy, 5 matchsticks, and a VHS copy of Kazaam, trading your best pitcher, infielder, and three other role players in exchange for a catcher batting around .170, a shortstop batting around .200, a pitcher with a 4.54 ERA, another shortstop that was best known for a gay slur, and a minor leaguer is pretty damn good!
What’s even better is that the organization apparently denies this even happened. Conning the tax payers who just built your beautiful new stadium is just a bonus.
Greatest Hope for the Future - Ryan Tannehill (Miami Dolphins)
Damon Huard, Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Brian Griese, AJ Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Frerotte, Daunte Culpepper, Joey Harrington, Cleo Lemon, Trent Green, John Beck, Chad Pennington, Chad Henne, Tyler Thigpen, Matt Moore, Ryan Tannehill, are the chosen one, destined to follow in the great Dan Marino’s footsteps and lead the Miami Dolphins back to national prominence. Hope is great.
Hey! The Florida Panthers Still Exist Award! – Shawn Matthias (What’s a hockey?)
You know the BB&T Center up in Sunrise where you took your child/significant other to that Disney on Ice/Cirque du Soleil show that one time? Did you know a hockey team plays there? Fancy that.
You know that team went to the Stanley Cup one time, right? Remember? There were rats involved. No? Me either. Here’s a crazy play!
Pretty wild! What team does he play for again?
Most Shameless Attempt to Win a Championship Ring - Juwan Howard (Century Village)
Tracy McGrady nearly won this very competitive race. Juwan put on a compelling case with his throwback 12-point performance against Orlando in the regular season, and his 51 total minutes played. What clinched the win was this snazzy red suit he wore during Game 5 of the NBA Finals.
If you squint closely you can almost confuse him with Bob McAdoo. Although if I’m not mistaken, I do believe they played together with the Buffalo Braves, right?
Best Nickname: Josh “Jorts” Harrellson (
Miami Heat Brujos de Guayama Chongqing Fly Dragons)
He might have only spent the first four months of the season with Miami, but any man with the nickname “Jorts” must be recognized and praised.
He got the nickname “Jorts” while playing at the University of Kentucky because of one fateful day. Harrellson’s Twitter handle is even a tribute to his spectacular alias (@BigJorts55).
Jorts is currently taking his bold, brilliant style to China with the Chongqing Fly Dragons.
Yes, we do indeed love jorts.