Lots of trades, Euros, and the greatest afro we’ve seen as the Page Q team mocks the first round…
Picks 1-5 | by Vishnu Parasuraman (@VRP2003)
1. Cleveland Cavaliers – F Anthony Bennett, UNLV
First pick to Cleveland. ESPN’s spends 5 minutes debating Nerlens Noel versus Alex Len, at which point Bill Simmons says they should play it safe and go with Viktor Oladipo. And then….who the f…? Anthony Bennett? Simmons gasps, low muttering ensues.
Shane Battier shows that a Duke education is second to none, as he astutely points out that Anthony Bennett is the highest drafted Canadian ever, confirming that no Canadian had ever been drafted zero.
2. Orlando Magic – G Viktor Oladipo, Indiana
The Magic could have drafted a center with Noel and Len available, but instead opted to not draft someone who would play for the Lakers in 5 years. Oladipo apparently sucked until this year and wouldn’t have been a Top 100 prospect. But hell…one good season is enough for Orlando. And why not if they want to retain their status as the second best franchise in Florida.
3. Washington Wizards – F Otto Porter, Georgetown
A kid from the local school going to the NBA franchise. Now he will join Bradley Beal and John Wall to form a great perimeter core with a strong inside players in Emeka Okafor and Nene. I all of a sudden realize that the Wizards might actually be…gasp…good next year. What is happening to my NBA? Michael Jordan on the clock next…please MJ, don’t fail me now….
4. Charlotte Bobcats – F Cody Zeller, Indiana
Oh man, just when the Wizards shook my faith, MJ restored it. He drafts a center not named Noel or Len? Someone convince me that Michael didn’t draft someone solely on the basis of his brother having played at North Carolina. That’s the only explanation for this nonsense. Charlotte guarantees they will be in the lottery for years to come.
5. Phoenix Suns – C Alex Len, Maryland
Jalen Rose spends five minutes talking about how perfect a fit Nerlens Noel is. Simmons points out that Phoenix has the best medical staff in the NBA, so this is perfect from that standpoint as well. Everyone in the world is in agreement…Phoenix got very lucky Noel slid to them. Top talent at fifth.
So, of course, they take Alex Len. When the NBA is set up for bad teams to draft high and therefore improve rapidly, yet the same teams suck every year, this is why.
Picks 6-10 | by Patrick Sicher (@PSicher)
6. New Orleans Pelicans – C Nerlens Noel, Kentucky (Traded to Philadelphia)
I had one desire for the NBA Draft. I really wanted the New Orleans Pelicans to draft Noel because I thought it was hysterical you could have a guy named Nerlens on Nawlins. I knew it was a long shot that he would fall to six, but the marketing opportunities could have been epic. Nerlens’ Pelicans? The mascot with a high top fade and adding Anthony Davis’ unibrow would have made money.
Then he got traded to Philadelphia.
So the guy with the Fresh Prince hair style is going to play in Philly, where they seem to have cornered the market on centers with bad knees. I can see how this is going to play out, Noel will get in one little fight and his mom will get scared, and he’ll be moving with D’Antoni and Kobe in L.A.
7. Sacramento Kings – G Ben McLemore, Kansas
This guy was touted by many as a potential top pick, but like the man before him, he ends up slipping all the way down onto Sacramento’s lap.
The reason he may have slipped is because of his lingering maturity issues. Maturity is a red flag, but in the right organization with an established structure and veteran leadership (like the Heat) it’s something that can be worked on. Sacramento on the other hand has been in flux and they have DeMarcus Cousins, immaturity personified.
How great would it have been had this team been relocated to Seattle and then they take McLemore? Shane Battier, who took over the SportsCenter Twitter account last night, saw the connection.
Kings take Ben McLemore…it’s a big year for guys named McLemore. #ShaneCenter
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) June 28, 2013
No word on if he got his bowtie at a Thrift Shop.
8. Detroit Pistons – G Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Georgia
KCP continues the trend of hyphenated guys being drafted in the top ten, with last year’s selection of Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and Michael Carter-Williams this year.
A scorer on a team that needs scoring should be a good fit, but when you see words used like “decent” and “serviceable” used to describe a top 10 pick, you really shouldn’t be expecting too much. His biggest knocks are his decision making as he’s never met a shot he didn’t like. Best part of this pick is that it gave Battier a chance to extend his previous joke.
Pistons take Kentavious Caldwell-Pope…it’s also apparently a good year to be a Pope.
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) June 28, 2013
9. Minnesota Timberwolves – G Trey Burke, Michigan (To Utah)
When Minnesota selected Trey Burke, you figured he would be on the move. Minnesota drafting a point guard is like the Detroit Lions drafting wide receivers, but in this case it was actually a part of a plan and not a Matt Millen mistake. A word you hear used to describe him is “winner”, and Michigan’s run last year helps support that, but it’s one of those descriptions used when people cant think of anything concrete to say about a player.
Name me one guy drafted in the NBA who wasn’t a winner to some degree. Flippin’ intangibles.
10. Portland Trail Blazers – G C.J. McCollum, Lehigh
McCollum’s name was being thrown out as a possibility as the first point guard taken, but Burke went a pick before him. The fact that he played at Lehigh and not Michigan might have something to do with that. Obviously that did not scare away the Trailblazers, who had success drafting a small school point guard in the top 10, last year’s rookie of the year Damian Lillard. Portland is hoping he is like that pick, and not previous picks like Greg Oden and Brandon Roy.
McCollum should play the 2 alongside Lillard for a dynamic backcourt. He is also a rarity in that he played four years in college, including some tournament experience when he dropped 30 in a huge upset of Duke during his junior year, which must have been awkward for Battier.
Trail Blazers select CJ McCollum…he killed Duke a few years ago, but I wish him well anyway. #ShaneCenter
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) June 28, 2013
Picks 11-15 | by Rob Smith (@Smithers_Rob)
11. Philadelphia Sixers – G Michael Carter-Williams, Syracuse
Can’t shoot. Turnover-prone. That role is already filled by Evan Turner, but he’ll probably be leaving town soon. Carter-Williams and Noel were AAU teammates; so there’s that.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder – C Steven Adams, Pittsburgh
If you’re keeping track at home, the Thunder traded James Harden for a year of Kevin “The Matador” Martin, Jeremy Lamb and Adams, who averaged a scintillating 7 points per game at Pitt last year. Dynamite work, Sam Presti.
13. Dallas Mavericks – C Kelly Olynyk, Gonzaga (Traded to Boston)
All you need to know about this guy is he wears a Mark Sanchez headband.
14. Minnesota T-Wolves – G/F Shabazz Muhammad, UCLA
The Danny Almonte of college hoops, Muhammad fooled everyone into thinking he was better than he really was by lying about his age. Good job, good effort, Bazz.
15. Milwaukee Bucks – F Giannis Antetokounmpo, Greece
How old are the kids he’s playing against in this video? 13? 15, tops? If I knew layups over unathletic 5-foot-8 white guys made you a top-15 pick, I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my youth playing against black guys. Alas.
Picks 16-20 | by Brian Papa (@AdamSmoot)
16. Boston Celtics – C Lucas “Bebe” Nogueira, Brazil (Traded to Atlanta)
Hey Bebe! Nogueira walks to the podium donning a wonderful smile and an equally wonderful hatfro. The Celtics immediately realize that Nogueira is way too likeable to fit in in Boston so they trade him to the Hawks for center Kelly Olynyk, giving the Celtics much needed size and giving Celtics beat reporters the opportunity to refer to someone as hard-working and gritty.
17. Atlanta Hawks – G Dennis Schroeder, Germany
Continuing the passport portion of the 2013 NBA Draft, and sensing a run on awesome hair, Atlanta selects German point guard Dennis Schroeder, whose strengths include strong ball handling skills and not being Jeff Teague. Schroeder is a confusing pick for a number of reasons, most notably because I had no idea there were black people in Germany.
18. Atlanta Hawks – G Shane Larkin, Miami (Traded to Dallas)
The Hawks use their next pick to select Univerity of Miami point guard Shane Larkin, who they quickly trade to the Dallas Mavericks, leading every person watching to make the same “from Cubans to Cuban” joke. This pick is also the first of a handful of depressing moments during the draft where you realize that a player whose career you watched from start to finish now has a child old enough to be playing in the league.
19. Cleveland Cavaliers – F Sergey Karasev, Russia
After surprising everybody by taking Bennett first overall, Dan Gilbert uses this pick to surprise nobody by taking a player from another country who made just 31 percent of his jump shots last year.
20. Chicago Bulls – F Tony Snell, New Mexico
SI.com’s Rob Mahoney calls Tony Snell “a catch-and-shoot player,” so expect him to play the role of Random Scrub Heat Killer at some point during the playoffs next year.
Picks 21-25 | by Jay Ramos (@JayRamNBA)
21. Utah Jazz – C Gorgui Dieng, Louisville (Traded to Minnesota)
Listed at 6’11″ with a 7’4″ wingspan, there is defensive potential here. But at the very least, Minnesota will continue to be among the league leaders in foreign players. A good thing?
22. Brooklyn Nets – C Mason Plumlee, Duke
Quite the contrast when you draft a player from Duke and acquire Kevin Garnett on the same night.
23. Indiana Pacers – F Solomon Hill, Arizona
Potentially another Lance Stephenson-like pest on the wing for LeBron James to repel next season.
24. New York Knicks – F Tim Hardaway Jr., Michigan
The Knicks logic here is sound. They feel that by getting Hardaway Jr., they can eventually lure in Hardaway Sr., the former Heat star, and win their way back into Pat Riley’s heart. Good plan.
— Jonah Ballow (@jonahballow) June 28, 2013
25. Los Angeles Clippers – F Reggie Bullock, North Carolina
Some youth on the wing will be a strange sight on the Clippers next season. Really strange. Grant Hill, Caron Butler, and Matt Barnes represent another generation entirely.
Picks 26-30 by Josh Baumgard (@JoshBaumgard)
26. Minnesota Timberwolves – F Andre Roberson, Colorado (Traded to Oklahoma City)
Ranked 39th by ESPN, 67th by Draft Express, and 61st by CBS Sports, so either the “experts” are morons or the Thunder are geniuses.
27. Denver Nuggets – C Rudy Gobert, France (Traded to Utah)
Gobert set NBA Combine records for wingspan (7 feet 8 1/2 inches) and standing reach (9 feet 7 inches). Naturally Jay Bilas had to excuse himself to el baño.
“I like calm, so it’s great for me,” Gobert said of having the opportunity to play in Utah.
28. San Antonio Spurs – F Livio Jean-Charles, France
The last time the Spurs drafted a dude late in the first round from France…
29. Oklahoma City Thunder – G, Archie Goodwin, Kentucky (Traded to Phoenix)
His former coach John Calipari once said the following about this young man…
“If he misses one shot, it leads to three more misses. He turns it over, he can’t defend on the other end. But he’s a freshman.”
He may get mopped up and down the floor next season. But, he’ll be a rookie.
30. Phoenix Suns – G Nemanja Nedovic, Serbia (Traded to Golden State)
A 41-inch vertical gives him the title of Most Athletic White Man in the Association, or MAWMA.
Second Round Synopsis
Lakers pick…Ryan Kelly. Who? Started from the bottom and they still there. Started from the bottom no playoffs next year.
— Not Bill Walton (@NotBillWalton) June 28, 2013