Welcome to the NFL in 2013, where offensive lineman are the new quarterback after nine were selected in round one. Ironically, Jeffrey Ireland didn’t pick one! Praise the Football Gods.
Our staff mocks the draft’s first round…
Picks 1 – 5 | by Brian Papa (@AdamSmoot)
1. Kansas City Chiefs – OT Eric Fisher, Central Michigan
For being the most miserable franchise in football last year, the Chiefs are granted the first pick in the NFL Draft. This also happens to be the one year that you absolutely do not want the first pick in the NFL Draft. (That’s so Chiefs!)
The Chiefs’ best option would be to try and move down, but this class is so godawful, John Dorsey couldn’t trade out of the number one pick if he packaged it with a cure for HIV and a weekend with Megan Fox.
The only realistic option at this point is to select the best available fat man, which they do, taking OT Eric Fisher first overall, ensuring that the team will be in this exact same position a year from now.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars – OT Luke Joeckel, Texas A&M
With the second pick in the draft, the Jaguars select Joeckel. They’ve also selected seppuku.
3. Miami Dolphins (from Oakland) – DE Dion Jordan, Oregon
In the middle of crafting a perfectly worded Al Davis joke, the Raiders go and swap picks with the Dolphins. Dammit. [Save to drafts.] How great would it be if Jeff Ireland moved up to number three just to take an offensive lineman—Wait, what? Dammit. [Saves to drafts.]
The Miami Dolphins use their newly acquired third overall pick to select Jordan. Half of Twitter thinks he’ll be the next Jason Taylor. The other half is complaining that it was a reach. Water is wet. Sky is blue.
I don’t know if that was a smart trade, but Dion Jordan isn’t a left tackle, so feel free to hump a table. Even if Jordan winds up being a terrible athlete, by the nature of his position, he can theoretically have an impact on the game of football, so this is a refreshing pick for whomever made this selection while Jeff Ireland was in the bathroom.
4. Philadelphia Eagles – OT Lane Johnson, Oklahoma
After giving up the fifth most sacks in the league last year, the Eagles use the fourth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft to take someone—ANYONE—who can keep Michael Vick from dying.
That anyone turns out to be Lane Johnson, who becomes the third offensive linemen taken in the first four picks, and is now tasked with teaching the rest of the Eagles offensive line how to use those strange grabby things on the ends of their arms to ward off defenders.
5. Detroit Lions – DE Ezekiel Ansah, BYU
I’d love to offer any kind of substantial football analysis here, but the Lions just drafted a guy who showed up to Radio City Music Hall wearing 3-D glasses and a dirty shirt. I don’t think I have to tell you that DE Ezekiel Ansah will undoubtedly be my favorite pick of this draft.
Picks 6-10 | by Ryan Yousefi (@Rizzwrites)
6. Cleveland Browns – DE Barkevious Mingo, LSU
In the words of DMX ” A DOG IS A DOG! When opponents hear that Dog bark, they better run, when referees hear that dog bark, they better come…..er something. (Editors note: I’m naming my unborn dog Barkevious.)
7. Arizona Cardinals – OG Jonathan Cooper – North Carolina
Atttttttttttttttttt guaaaaaaaaard….from Noooooooorth Caaaaaaaarolinaaaaaaaaaa (Kindly select “play” below)
8. St. Louis Rams – WR Tavon Austin, West Virginia
A 5’8″ receiver goes eighth. Poor Davone Bess, if only he didn’t run like my Grandpa pees.
9. New York Jets – DB Dee Milliner, Alabama
Milliner Island doesnt have the same ring to it. Cash Money Millineraires does though.
10. Tennessee Titans – OG Chance Warmack, Alabama
New guy that will have the privilege of blocking for 10 seconds while Chris Johnson plays hopscotch behind him.
Picks 11-15 | by Patrick Sicher (@PSicher)
11. San Diego Chargers – OT DJ Fluker, Alabama
The NFL Draft Prospects are Like Girl Scout cookies. You wait all year for those Samoas and Thin Mints, but what you end up with are Trefoils. Offensive lineman are Trefoils. No matter how great the cookie is, you can get something very similar at any other point in the year.
By selecting Fluker they insured Ryan Matthews will probably not get hurt until at least week 4 this year.
12. Oakland Raiders – CB D.J. Hayden, Houston
Back to back DJs? Is this Ultra?
This pick originally belonged to the Miami Dolphins, and the fact the Raiders moved down to this slot for only a second round pick is one of the weirdest occurrences in draft history. Getting ripped off by Jeff Ireland has to be on par with being friend-zoned by the biggest slut you know.
13. New York Jets – DT Sheldon Richardson, Missouri
Richardson was projected as the third best tackle in the draft behind Sharrif Lloyd and Star Lootitooti, so the Jets went ahead and picked him before both of those guys. On top of that, this is the pick they got for Darrelle Revis. That makes me laugh.
I’m surprised a quarterback didn’t go here, considering their current situation. Maybe they are hoping Tebow can heal Chron’s Disease?
14. Carolina Panthers – DT Star Lotulelei, Utah
Projected to go fourth to the Eagles, he dropped 10 slots to the Panthers at 14. Makes you think the only people who thought he would be a star were his parents who named him.
Makes me long for the days when the Dolphins led the league in Samoans. Lotulelei reminds me a lot of Paul Soliai. Not in his play because I didnt scout tape, just the fact that he is a big Samoan defensive tackle who went to school in Utah.
15. New Orleans Saints – DB Kenny Vaccaro, Texas
After extensive research, there is one thing I can’t figure out about Vaccaro. Is he Black? White? Kaepernick? Kind of confusing.
As for his football skill? Well, he is a safety. He played at Texas. I bet he would have been a great fit under their bounty system.
Picks 16-20 | by Vishnu Parasuraman (@VRP2003)
16. Buffalo Bills – QB EJ Manuel, Florida State
So, how do you end up as the worst team in a division that includes the Jets? When you need a QB, you take EJ Manuel because taking Geno Smith is too mainstream.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers – LB Jarvis Jones, Georgia
Pittsburgh needed another linebacker about as much as the Marlins need more seating at home games.
18. San Francisco 49ers – DB Eric Reid, LSU
How does one franchise end up in the Super Bowl and the other perpetually 8-8? One team trades up to the mid-first round and takes a playmaking safety to bolster an already strong defense, and the other decides that for the amount of money Tony Romo is being paid, he should go ahead and just block for himself.
19. NY Giants – OT Justin Pugh, Syracuse
The Giants already have 5 OTs on their roster. Some of them might want to call a realtor.
20. Chicago Bears – OG Kyle Long, Oregon
Did the Bears think they were getting his dad or brother? They reached like a fat man for the last slice of pizza. Jay Cutler will be entering his fifth year as a tackling dummy in Chicago.
Picks 21-26 | by Rob Smith (@Smithers_rob)
21. Cincinnati Bengals – TE Tyler Eifert, Notre Dame
Eifert doesn’t have the ideal experience Bengals typically look for in terms of arrests, as he has maintained a clean record. Vets Vontaze Burfict and Andre Smith (who will likely return) will do what they can to change that.
22. Atlanta Falcons – DB Desmond Trufant, Washington
Runs a 4.38. First round pick.
23. Minnesota Vikings – DT Sharrif Floyd, Florida
A scout told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel’s Bob McGinn, “Those idiots on TV made Floyd. He isn’t that good.” Just about every mock draft had Floyd in the top 10, showcasing just how important it is for people with minimal connections to NFL front offices to guess what might happen months before NFL execs decide.
24. Indianapolis Colts – DE Bjoern Werner, FSU
No problem with the pick, but it makes the already questionable $22 million contract given to career backup Ricky Jean-Francois look more… questionable.
25. Minnesota Vikings – DB Xavier Rhodes, FSU
It’s so FSU to have three top-25 picks (including the starting QB) and lose 17-16 to NC State.
26. Green Bay Packers – DE Datone Jones, UCLA
Packers reportedly chose Jones over linebacker/safety Mike “The Birdman” Hawk and small-school DT Buster Hymen. In related news, a lot of idiots attend the NFL Draft. (See video below)
Picks 27 – 32 | by Josh Baumgard (@JoshBaumgard)
27. Houston Texans – WR Deandre Hopkins, Clemson
If I were Deandre I would stick to Andre Johnson like a fly on poo this summer.
28. Denver Broncos – DT Sylvester Williams, Denver
Having a chance to lock down Geno Smith as Peyton’s protege, John Elway whiffed. Manning is 37 folks and one hit away from life in Palm Beach. But at least a scout described Sylvester like this: “Will run himself too far upfield and miss sacks and tackles when he can’t stop himself.” Sound selection otherwise.
247 – The number of times “raw” was used to describe this prospect. Sushi shall be his nickname hereafter.
30. St. Louis Rams – LB Alex Ogletree, Georgia
Ogletree certainly looks the part. Carved from stone, the rangy Bulldog linebacker certainly knows how to deliver the hurt.
31. Dallas Cowboys – C Travis Frederick, Wisconsin
Congratulations Travis, you’ve won the honor of having your tushie caressed for the next six years by the slippery hands of one Tony Romo.
32. Baltimore Ravens – DB Matt Elam, Florida
It’s so Ravens like to stumble upon the next Ed Reed at the end of the first round after losing the actual Ed Reed. Teams don’t win Super Bowls by accident.